


For Him

by yikesmontana



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Hide is an actual angel, Hide's POV, Hurt/Comfort, Kaneki did nothing wrong, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sadness, Slight Canon Divergence, slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 13:01:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5497931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesmontana/pseuds/yikesmontana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide never stopped loving Kaneki, even after they drifted apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Him

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be for Kaneki's birthday but it ended up rlly long so hAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY KANEKI  
> pls point out any errors ty  
> TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE

Hide saw the small, black-haired boy, sitting in the grass, reading a novel. He didn't recognize him, and that was odd for Hide; the two-toned child took pride in knowing as many people as possible. So he didn't feel shy when he trotted up to the boy, smiling blindingly and introducing himself. From that day, the two became inseparable. Hide and Kaneki. The sun and the moon.

Hide was also very observant. Only weeks after meeting Kaneki, he was already attuned to the acts of the other boy- the way he jumped when somebody would talk to him, the way he'd scratch at his chin when he lied, the way he'd swiftly avoid bringing Hide over to his house. He was beginning to sense the state of Kaneki's home life.

"Hey, 'Neki, can I come over to your house tonight?" Hide had asked one day while they sat atop of the whale statue in the park. 

"O-Oh," Kaneki stuttered, his hands fluttering around as he thought of an excuse. "My mom's actually really busy with work right now, so we can't have people over. Sorry, Hide!"

"Nah, it's fine," Hide laughed, watching as Kaneki averted his eyes and wrung his tiny hands. 

Time passed like that, Kaneki avoiding the topic of his home or family entirely. Weeks turned to months, and Hide noticed when Kaneki would come to school with bruises on his wrists. Kaneki was careful about it, of course; he wore long sleeves and avoided taking off his sweaters, but Hide would watch when he reached for his backpack, or when he stretched his arms. His sleeves would inch up just enough for Hide's blood to turn cold at the purple-ish, finger shaped marks. He didn't say anything, because he could tell that Kaneki didn't want to be confronted about it. But he made sure that whenever Kaneki asked, in a shy, weak voice, if he could sleep over at Hide's house, that he would say yes. 

After Kaneki's mom died, Hide got increasingly more worried. Kaneki was away from school for a few days, and when Hide finally decided to go to Kaneki's house to see if he was all right, he encountered a gathering of people in black suits and dresses. Kaneki was standing in the corner, his shaking frame covered by a plain black tux. When the raven-haired boy saw Hide, he immediately ran to him, and Hide held him as he cried. 

They got closer, after that. Kaneki still didn't tell Hide when his aunt would scream at him, or not feed him. Kaneki didn't have to, though. All Kaneki would have to do is send a text, and Hide would be waiting at their park, a bag of hamburgers at the ready. Their system worked... until the day his aunt snapped. 

They were about sixteen, and Hide was lounging at home when he got the phone call.

"Hello?" he answered, not really paying attention.

"H-Hide, I'm sor-sorry to bother you-u but she threw aw-away my mom's bo-books and s-she told me to g-get out and it's re-really cold-d," Kaneki sobbed through the phone, his voice stuttering both from his hitched breaths and from his teeth chattering. Hide straightened, his homework books falling off his lap. 

"Where are you?" Hide asked, voice not revealing any emotion. Kaneki drew in a shuddering breath on the other end.

"I-I don't know? I m-mean, I'm ju-just walking aro-around," he sniffled, and Hide nodded before remembering that Kaneki couldn't see him.

"Start towards the park, okay? I'll meet you there and you can come over."

Ten minutes later, Hide spotted Kaneki, sitting on the park bench. His body was pulled up into the corner of it, his head resting on his drawn-up knees. Hide's heart clenched when Kaneki looked up; his face was red, from the cold and from crying. A large bruise was forming over his cheekbone, and a cut split down his lip. He was in only a pair of jeans and a sweater, hardly doing anything against the harsh winds. 

Hide walked towards him, and Kaneki flinched.

"I'm s-sorry, Hide," Kaneki cried, tightening his arms around his knees. Hide sat next to the frail boy and hugged him tightly, resisting the urge to cry.

"Don't apologize, Ken," Hide murmured, biting his lip. Kaneki buried his face into Hide's neck and cried harder. 

They made it back to Hide's house half an hour later, Kaneki clinging to Hide's arm the whole time. Kaneki was quiet, even more so than usual. Hide led him inside, straight to the bathroom, where Hide began to rustle around for something to clean his lip with. 

"Tell me what happened," Hide demanded, and Kaneki shrunk back.

"I-I came home late. From school, I mean. She got mad, and she yelled, and t-told me that I was useless, that I was a burden...I should have just been home on time, I didn't mean to..." Kaneki trailed off. Hide grabbed his chin, frowning at him.

"You don't seriously think that you deserved this?" Hide said. Kaneki averted his eyes. Hide huffed, letting go of Kaneki's chin in favour of dabbing at his lip with the disinfectant. "Kaneki. She shouldn't have hit you. She shouldn't have called you any of that. None of this is your fault, alright? You're not worthless, and you're not a burden."

When Hide looked up again, Kaneki was blushing, his mouth slightly agape, staring at Hide. Suddenly, Hide was embarrassed too, blushing and scratching his cheek. When he glanced upwards, Kaneki was suddenly closer. Hide could see his dark eyelashes, the button nose, the stormy grey of his eyes. And then they were kissing, a gentle touch, a slight brush of lips. Kaneki pulled back after a moment, eyes wide, hands covering his mouth. 

"H-Hide I'm sorry I didn't mean to!" Kaneki gasped, his face beet red, but Hide was already dragging his mouth back and they were kissing again, inexperienced but wonderful and caring and everything Hide had ever wanted. 

Things changed after that. They never really decided that they were dating; it was something unspoken that just happened. From friends to more than friends. Because, Hide argued, friends don't usually want to run their hands over each other's bodies and kiss each other until they were numb. 

They didn't tell anyone, but Hide's mom seemed to know, just like she knew about Kaneki's home life.

She would accept Kaneki whenever Hide brought him over, and would make sure that the boy was eating and receiving Christmas gifts and being loved. 

Kaneki's situation with his aunt only worsened the older he got. Hide tried to support him, tried to make his life less horrible, but Kaneki was slowly loosing his life. He would come to school late most days, his body curled inwards and his head down. Hide would gently pet his hair while he cried, whenever he felt the need to.

For his birthday, Hide re-bought him some of the books that his aunt threw out. Kaneki cried happy tears, blushing and peppering kisses over Hide's freckled face.

When Hide finally did come over to Kaneki's house, his aunt acted sweet. She smiled, and made them snacks, and the entire time all Hide could think of was her, hitting his Kaneki. It made his hands curl into fists.

"W-We're going upstairs," Kaneki finally cut in, and his aunt smiled tightly. The two boys were sitting on the couch, Kaneki's aunt standing in front of them. She reached out towards Kaneki, presumably to grab her coffee cup resting on the table beside him, but Kaneki flinched away, cowering closer to Hide. Kaneki's aunt let out a barking laugh, and Hide's blood boiled.

"Oh, Kaneki, you're so easily scared," she laughed tightly. Kaneki flinched again, and it took Hide a moment to notice his aunt's hand, digging into his forearm.

"Well, we should get to our homework, 'Neki," Hide exclaimed suddenly, and Kaneki's aunt backed off considerably

"You boys have fun!" his aunt called out after them as they hustled up the stairs. Inside the bedroom, Kaneki was shaking, cradling his arm to his chest. Hide gently took Kaneki's hand, pulling his arm away from him and beginning to pull up his sweater.

"N-No, Hide, I'm fine, really," Kaneki protested weakly, but Hide silenced him with a glare. Kaneki bit his lip, looking away as Hide's eyes fell upon the scars and bruises littering his arms, now joined by new, freshly red, finger-shaped marks on his forearm. Kaneki was holding back tears, his fear of being rejected nearly consuming him. Hide's heart was throbbing, his ache for Kaneki to be happy too intense for words to express. Instead, he kissed Kaneki's arm gently, hoping that the small gesture would convey his feelings.

They never intended for Kaneki's aunt to find out.

Hide was kissing Kaneki goodbye in front of his house. A loud crash was heard from within. Heart pounding, Hide jumped away from Kaneki, whose eyes were wide and fearful.

"Kaneki-" Hide started, but Kaneki interrupted him.

"I'm sorry, Hide. I-I'll text you later, okay?" Kaneki gasped out, turning around and rushing inside. 

Hide never got a text. 

The next day, Kaneki came to school with a broken arm and told Hide that they couldn't date any more. 

They went to college, staying friends. Hide's heart ached every time Kaneki mentioned the beautiful girl who visited the cafe sometimes. He would force a smile, pat Kaneki on the back. When he finally got to see this girl, his stomach churned. She was beautiful, with silky purple hair and cute glasses and boobs. It disgusted Hide. Yet, Hide urged Kaneki into asking her out, his entire body stiff, his blood cold. Kaneki was blushing, his stormy eyes not looking at Hide. 

Hide cried walking home. 

Hide cried even more when he found out that Rize had been a ghoul. 

The guilt and worry gnawed at his stomach, preventing him from sleeping. He kept imagining it, Kaneki bleeding and crying for help, all because Hide forced him out on a date. 

When he did see Kaneki, he was different. He seemed more reserved, more cautious. Hide knew, when his friend refused to eat, what had happened. He didn't know how, but he knew that Kaneki was a ghoul.

When Nishki attacked, Hide wasn't scared. He should have been, he knew that; hearing the noises of the battle, the intense screams and smashes, he should have been absolutely horrified, excpecially when Kaneki rambled about eating. But he knew that Kaneki was there, and that Kaneki would protect him. 

He knew that Kaneki was strong, so strong, even if Kaneki didn't know that himself. 

After, while Hide was healing at Anteiku, he heard Kaneki cry. Heard him sob, heard his sorrows, but Hide knew that he couldn't comfort Kaneki that time. He knew that Kaneki would be heartbroken if Hide found out that he was a ghoul. So Hide stayed quiet, a silent tear trailing down his cheek.

It was when Kaneki went missing that Hide got desperate. He'd been fine when Kaneki was hanging out at Anteiku a lot, because he still got to see his best friend, even if in limited time. He saw that Kaneki was happy, and that made Hide happy. But not knowing Kaneki's location, or if he was okay, or if he was even alive- that sent Hide over the edge. He searched everywhere, finding nothing but scarce footage of the "eyepatch ghoul." His heart would swell, seeing Kaneki in battle. What shocked Hide the most, though, was the newly-white hair framing his face.   
It wasn't until "Eyepatch" turned to "Centipede" that Hide became very desperate.   
He got desperate enough to join the CCG. Anything to get me closer to Kaneki, he thought, reading over files and blinking his tired eyes.

When he heard about the Anteiku raid, Hide knew what he had to do.

 

Hide shook as he saw Kaneki, laying in the alley. His best friend's body was tattered, his battle outfit soaked in blood. He had fallen with his hand outstretched, as if he was still trying to fight, and Hide's heart warmed at the thought.

Just like him, too. Always the hero. Always the martyr. 

The warmth in his stomach hardened into a cold dread when he saw just how bad Kaneki's wound was. A chunk of his side was gone, a ragged hole left behind. Hide fell to his knees beside his childhood friend, tears filling his eyes.

The process of getting Kaneki back to Anteiku was torturous. Hide ignored his own pain, focusing only on Kaneki's shallow breaths and trying to stay away from the sounds of screams and gunfire. As they went, Hide observed Kaneki's new appearance. The white hair, the black nails, the sharper lines of his face. Whatever had happened, it changed Kaneki. His best friend had been through so much, in so little time. Hide couldn't help but feel like it was his fault. He should have protected Kaneki, just like when they were little. Kaneki had always depended on Hide. He'd always been able to cry on hide's shoulder. What happened, he wondered idly. What could have been that terrible? He immediately shook the thought away. 

Hide stumbled through the doors, setting Kaneki down as gently as possible. His friend twitched, and Hide heard his body regenerating. A small smile was pulled onto Hide's lips as he started to attempt making coffee. He ignored the noises Kaneki was making, ignored the fact that Kaneki was already struggling to his feet. Hide poured the coffee into two cups, his hand trembling, spilling the coffee slightly on the counter. He walked back towards Kaneki, making sure to put his body at ease. He noticed Kaneki's tense stance, and decided to break the silence

"It's surprisingly hard... to make coffee, isn't it?" Hide pondered, watching realization and shock grace Kaneki's features. "Yo, Kaneki."

"Hide..." Kaneki breathed, his eyes wide. Hide observed Kaneki's eyes; one was its normal silver-grey, lacking its usual softness, and the other was all black, save the red pupil. His ghoul eye. This was Hide's first time seeing it in person, and it really was a terrifying sight. But Hide wasn't scared. Because this was Kaneki, his best friend, who he had to protect. Kaneki, who preferred books to anything else. Kaneki, who was too afraid and shy to talk to people.

It had a dangerous sense of beauty, too. The contrast of who Kaneki used to be, versus who he was now...although his grey eye lacked all of the warmth and kindness it used to hold. Now, it was wide and shocked, utterly observant and cold. 

Hide watched as Kaneki made a sharp noise of realization and slapped a hand over his ghoul eye, looking at the ground and drawing in a ragged gasp. Hide sighed, looking down, listening to Kaneki's panicked breaths. His friend's hand was bloody from holding his wound, his black nails standing out against his snow-white hair.

"Kaneki... I knew," Hide admitted. Shocked, Kaneki looked up at Hide through his bangs.

"Yeah, I knew," Hide confirmed. It was silent aside from the slick noise of blood hitting the floor. Hide set the coffee on the table, chucking to himself. Apparently, Kaneki still wasn't very fond of conversation. 

"This is lousy. Must not have been ready yet," Hide announced, before picking up a cup and taking a sip. Hide recoiled immediately, a half-smile gracing his lips.

"Ugh... Sorry, Kaneki. This one's lousy, too," he laughed. Kaneki stayed in the shadows, unable to move, his hand still over his eye.

"I guess it couldn't be that easy, huh?" Hide sighed. "Oh, come to think of it, Kaneki, do you remember? That time I got the crap beaten out of me by Mr. Nishio?" Kaneki's face lifted slightly, and Hide took that as a yes.

"Yeah, to be honest, I thought I was dead. I tried playing dead to get through it, but that guy shows no mercy..." Hide laughed, bringing a finger up to scratch his head. "Well, I guess it's no use." Hide remembered that day, remembered Kaneki fighting relentlessly to save him. 

The light flared up again, and Hide could see Kaneki clearly. His best friend looked defeated, ready to lay down and give up, so un-Kaneki-like that Hide wanted to wrap his arms around his friend and hug him and kiss his pain away like he used to. But Hide knew that Kaneki wouldn't want that, not now. 

"Kaneki... Thanks for going all-out trying to save me back then," Hide said gratefully. Kaneki flinched, closing his one visible eye. When he opened it again, it was glassy and tear-filled. Kaneki slowly took his hand off of his ghoul eye, finally staring at Hide, who was continuing his story, relieved that Kaneki was easing up. Hide knew that he needed to be quick. He didn't have much time left. 

"When I look at the folks in Anteiku, I thought, it sure is nice how they're all so full of life, huh? " Hide continued, remembering sitting in the same spot as he was now, watching Kaneki and his friends. "And there you were, among them. It kind of felt like I was the only one being left out. And so I... I decided to do whatever I could. But with things finally ending up like this, there wasn't anything I could do on my own, huh?" Kaneki made a soft noise, and Hide noticed the different emotions running through his eyes.

"Kaneki, don't go taking all of this on yourself so much. That's something you've always done," Hide warned. Finally, Kaneki's lips lifted into a ghost of a smile.

"Mm-hmm," he agreed, his voice hardly audible. It was deeper than it used to be, more rough and broken. Hide relished in it, his thoughts starting to jumble up. He stood, stumbling, and continued his speech.

"You know, Kaneki, you've gotten pretty famous," Hide said, stating the obvious. Hide placed a hand over his eye, mimicking Kaneki's previous movement. "'Eyepatch,' they call you! You styling it up?" Hide slid the hand off his eye, still smiling widely. Kaneki let out a short, pained laugh, his arm wrapped tightly around his stomach. Hide started to join in, but it was cut off with a loud grunt. Hide stumbled sideways, falling to one knee in the pool of his own blood. He tried in vain to stand again, but failed, and fell completely to his knees, clutching his wound. He couldn't hold in his gasps, the pain too much to handle.

"Hide...?" Kaneki whispered, still unmoving. Hide clutched his wound tighter, a shaky smile blossoming on his contorted face.

"I screwed up...just a little bit out there..." Hide managed to gurgle, and suddenly Kaneki was there, supporting Hide from falling face-first.

"Hide..." Kaneki whispered again, and Hide could hear the tears in Kaneki's voice.

"Kaneki..." Hide gasped out, grabbing his best friend's shoulder. He used it to lift his head up, whole body trembling in the efforts to voice his one last request. "Let's go home." Hide watched Kaneki's stricken face, staring into his eyes. He saw his old friend, his best friend, who he was before. The nerdy, book-loving, shy kid who Hide had decided to approach. The first and only one Hide had ever loved.

"Let's go home," Hide repeated, his voice a harsh breath. He didn't have the strength to hold on any more; his hand fell from Kaneki's shoulder. It splashed in his puddle of blood, and that's when Kaneki started to cry. Hide wanted to comfort him, wanted to make him stop crying, but he didn't have the strength. He couldn't do it. He had so much left to say. I still love you, he wanted to scream. I always loved you, so much, Kaneki. My Kaneki. 

Hide wasn't sure how much time passed before the heat started. His body was mostly numb, so he hardly felt it. Either way, he couldn't do anything about it if he wanted to. He couldn't move. His head was in Kaneki's lap, and he felt every shuddering breath that his best friend took.

"Hide..." he heard Kaneki utter through the loud crashing sounds. The last thing that Hideyoshi Nagachika felt was Kaneki's tear, falling onto his cheek and trailing down his nose. He used the last of his life to offer his best friend a weak smile, telling Kaneki that he was okay. Hide was okay with dying in his friend's arms. As long as Kaneki was there, Hide would be okay. He always was, right? So long as he was there for Kaneki. Anything for Kaneki. For him.

"Let's go home, Hide."


End file.
